Republic of Toma

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Morning Scribbles

I write in the morning first thing when I wake. In the moment between sleep and rising when I’m still in bed with the sun kissing the canal outside. When my subconscious is still in control I feel everything without judgement. The time when I know without knowing when all senses are open. My fingers typing a continuation of my minds dream. I wish you could see what I see. It’s beautiful in here.

But when it all becomes cloudy and I can’t see, sleep restores me. Yes, my body but more so my mind. If I have questions my dreams carry the answer in a gilded chariot escorted by a herd of winged angles.

I wake every night between 3.30 and 4.30am. If it’s 3.30 I listen then go back to sleep. If it’s 4.30 I write.

But for the first few minutes when the Dream Chariot comes I do not open my eyes. I breathe deeply. Inhale expanding the belly. Exhale goes out. My Yoga Teacher in Cambodia taught me to hold for a count of 10 between the breath looking inside my head.

My whole life I’ve been afraid of the dark. As a child my dad tells tales of the sleep I did not take. Early in my marriage I thought the Chariot was a Dream Thief. He snuck into the house that 1st night in Boston. That was 23 years ago when I was only 23 - 23 craves knowledge - I woke screaming “Someone’s in the house!”

My ex-husband raced in his underwear finding no one. We stood in the bay window staring down the street. Where did he go? Do we call the police? The next night he went to bed with a bat under the bed and when I woke at 3.30am he raced yet again in search of the phantom. The 3rd night he rolled over and went back to sleep. It became our routine. The Burglar bringing fear to Boston.

Then 1 night I woke early. It was 3.23am. 23 again. Discordianists believe 23 is a holy number ruled by goddess of chaos. I woke with a verse from the Bible on my lips. In the Bible 23 can be perceived as a symbol of death while its double 46 is a symbol of resurrection. I’m 46 now remembering this story.

The verse was Numbers 10.34. “The cloud of the Lord was over them wherever they went.”

The next night when I woke I wasn’t scared.

I listened and wrote.

In quarantine I keep seeing 23.

Looking up its warning I smile and agree -Faith has found me.


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