The Messenger
Heidi told me he was a messenger. That damn bird who won’t leave me alone. It’s like living in a Hitchcock movie.
Someone else said Be Kind to him he might be your soulmate. Shit. Just my luck. Me and He. Is that what he’s tapping on my window all day long? If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain...
It’s rainy this morning. More drizzle or mist. I try to study Italian. Rain. Pioggia. Drizzle. Pioggerella. God I love Italian words so rich they are practically edible. Mist. Nebbia.
No sun shines in my favorite window. I light candles. I don’t feel like writing so I go to the bookshelf. Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I ignore it. Things a Little Bird Told Me. My bird’s not so little. The better to get your attention with my dear” quips my subconscious. I choose Women in Sunlight. Francis Mayes.
He smashes his beak against the window again. Fortuny cowers and Fiorella comes and sits behind my ankles peeking out. I fear he’s going to bloody his beak that damn bird.
Some say birds are angels. He comes day after day visiting me in my gilded cage.
Angels of Death. I think.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe he - like the cats - feel it. Our funny quarantine. This collective experience. He knows somethings not right with the world. Where are all the people?
I google birds as messengers. “They bring us messages, warnings, motivation, solace and guide us forward on our spiritual journey. Their appearance at certain point in our lives can guide us in profound ways.”
Or drive us insane. I think.
God Tippi Hedren had a great wardrobe in that movie - The Birds. I am living in The Birds. When Art and I met and walked to the grocery store - 6 Feet apart - the pigeons swarmed us.
Actually If I think about it Tippy only wore one outfit but she wore it with such class. I need to up my quarantine game. At the very least I should shower - I’m beginning to smell like a French whore- French ‘cause I’m keepin’ it classy. I change out of my black tank top, stretch pants and orthopedic running shoes. Can you imagine ME in those shoes? I mean really How am I going to impress Harvey? Oh yeah. I named him. My damn bird.
At first Harvey was lucky I didn’t have a slingshot. Mr Favreaulous offers to send me one. At lunch he comes back to my kitchen, grinding his beak, it’s almost vulgar.
I try to be open minded. He could be a totem. I’m an Oklahoma girl, Remember? I grew up out of the red earth of The Trail of Tears. My great grandparents homesteading, traveling across the prairie in a covered wagon.
Native Americans believe at least 9 different animals accompany us through life, each one serving a different purpose. I’ve met many of mine. In that ranch house - 30 miles north of Woodward - yellow eyes watched me when I slept. I wasn’t scared. In the morning I told my parents and they praised me for my imagination. Each night they returned. Standing sentinel. A protector. One day my dad came to me and he said “Toma, tell me about those yellow eyes.” And then he took me outside and we followed the Bobcats trail from its perch on the frame over the cellar door into field. Tracks are mythic of the past.
Sometimes a bird is just a bird. I think he’s hungry. I remember the time my mom caught my dad feeding the stray birddog she kept shooing away with a broom. We named him Bill. The Gougiers have Rosemary in them. Rosemary helps reduce stress. And Harvey is clearly stressed. I go and rub my hands on the rosemary bush and bring them to my nose.
I look up birds as Totems. They symbolize freedom, strength and higher knowledge. Illumination and empowerment. It ushers in fortune and luck representing purity, elegance, opportunity, and victory. I get more specific in my search. Seagull as a totem.
Harvey chose me. Even if he’s just a dumb bird. I remember I have stale French Cheese Puffs left over from Easter. Maybe I should feed him? I give in and set some Gougiers on the window ledge.
JOURNAL EXERCISE:
A totem is a spirit being, sacred object, or symbol. For some, knowing their totem animal is an innate process - as if they’ve always known it. For others they have to look. You can have many different totems in your life.
Have you ever felt drawn to one animal or another without being able to explain why?
Does a certain kind of animal consistently appear in your life? This doesn’t necessarily have to be literal - it could be in your dreams or figurative representations.
Are there any animals that you find to be extremely frightening or intriguing? Often that which most scares us has to the most to teach us. Google the spritual symbology of that animal.
Is there a particular animal that you see frequently when you’re out in nature?
Much of the process of identifying your spirit animal is paying attention to both your past and your present. It is a process of developing your inner knowledge and spiritual understanding.
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