The Package
A package arrived from the outside world. Margaret sent a simple luxury from New York - a package of blush.
For whom I’m rouging I do not know. But it feels civilized to continue to put on at least some make up. Get up. Get dressed. Put on real clothes. When did clothes become optional?
Creating Routine in Quarantine becomes more and more important. My Venetian friend Barbara (not to be confused with Barbara the pharmacist) does daily face exercises. She teaches them to me on FaceTime and I know I’m never going to do them. Though I do realize I need to do more exercise. Brooke suggested I buy a rebounder and Jonathan texts some online courses. Chiara invites to join for virtual yoga and a client sends me daily affirmations.
My Ass thanks Jonathon’s Cardio but my Motivation respectfully declines which is really such a tragedy as my Mental Wellness knows if I am moving I’ll be fine. During those dark days of depression when still living in Berlin when I’d just left my husband and rising in the morning was my biggest challenge a daily walk was my salvation. I knew If I could only get up, I would stay up. So I compromise and decide upon on a daily plank challenge. 30 seconds of sheer hell increased daily in 5 second integrals until one day I’ll have perfected my 1 minute plank. I promise to add in yoga. If I can’t go outside. I might as well go inside.
Before bed I set up my pink yoga mat in the Living Room and Fortuny and Fiorella immediately dance around sharpening their claws. They love yoga. Note to self - lock cats out of living room before attempting to do a morning routine.
After my evening shower I do a face mask. My hair has become more Italian by the day. My locks untended by my hair dresser Johanne have sprung out of submission taking on a life of their own. I’m wild at heart. Cherokee in spirit. Now I merely roll out of bed and shake it like Shakira.
Cleaning is my true therapy. I need to make some decisions on what to part with- it’s time to purge my closets and my past. Orseola calls from her home on the other side of the Piazza San Marco and says “I don’t know what happens to my days. I look up and it’s 5pm.“ I agree. How did I do it all - just 4 short weeks ago? How did I fit it in? I find myself not wanting to go back to the way it was before.
I like cooking dinner.
I like lingering in bed.
I like writing while still under the covers.
I like not feeling guilty in the morning for the things I know I won’t have time to get done.
I’ve been working on a book for a year but it was a guilty pleasure - hours stolen away from my content manager who created such a task list for me it was impossible to ever complete. Demands that were for the good of my company - but my heart and mind were so undivided I became more and more inefficient in my work routine avoiding her deluge of impossible demands.
I tried to speak up. I need a break. But she reminded, “You’re getting divorced - you need more income.” But I needed a break more. But no one was listening. Life had gotten more out of balance. Not just for me but all society.
Should I say it?
Say it outloud?
Should I tell you what I am thinking? I think we manifested this - this plague. We as in humanity. Unnecessary deaths make me hesitant to speak my mind. But what I hear when I listen is a collective sigh.
Listen with me.
Do you hear it? The guilty pleasure of days unburdened with appointment after appointment and obligatory rendez vous? Pushing past pretenses and perfection? Calamity is a great equalizer. When stock markets crash and portfolios plunge, when hourly I am texted. I just lost my job. I laid off my staff. My phone, it hasn’t rang in days. Everyone I talk to is worried but behind the worry I hear one collective sigh of relief.
I can breathe.
I hate to admit it - I’ve needed this.
Just time - that’s all. The gift of time.
I think the universe heard our demands when we all in one collective moment thought “Please can I have just a little break?” The earth wants to heal itself. And we needed healing. Only we meant the type of Break that Ross thought Rachel meant. Not a Break up. Just a Pause in daily obligation. And the earth responded the way Rachel responded. Nations shutting down. We didn’t mean for 4825 deaths in Italy alone - 12,000+ deaths worldwide.
I spoke with Gail in England and she said, Doesn’t it seem like the earth resets itself from time to time? The Jazz age before the Spanish flu? The decadence of Berlin before World War II? Sort of like a computer needs to be restarted from time to time?
How then - IF we caused this - how do we get out of it? This is what I ponder and my soul knows the answer. My Venetian friend Barbara turns on the TV at 8pm to do the Rosary. It’s broadcast across Italy. Praise music fills my lungs. This is the air I breathe. Your very presence resting in me.
Gail anguishes over gardening - it calms me - she says - but I feel guilty finding peace digging in the earth when people are dying. And I say Go Garden. That’s what you CAN do right now. In fact I think that is what we are Being Called To Do- Prune our lives.
What’s that thing you’ve been longing to do? Writing? Painting? The plague birthed the Renaissance. Create. And if creation doesn’t come. Meditate. Pray. Sing. Dance. Perfect your backhand. No. Wait. That’s Not Right. It’s not about Perfection. Perfection is dead. Go bake an imperfect birthday cake like Jen in Paris did for Fifi’s birthday. Rest and Read a book. Sing off key. Kristas online karaoke group is the best thing to come out of the coronaviris. Dance like MyLihn. Dance like nobody is watching. And in fact they aren’t. I’m dancing with myself and for once I don’t try to take the lead.
This is your get out of jail free card.
I texted Mark in London. I have an idea.
Later he said.
This is money in your pocket. I said.
This afternoon he said.
When afternoon didn’t happen he texted me back. I am sorry. I couldn’t.
Then You shouldn’t.
I don’t know why. I just couldn’t think. He said.
Then don’t. Don’t listen to anything but your heart. Do what makes you happy. If there ever was a time to listen to happiness it’s now.
Surely there are bills to pay.
But business owners I implore you - do you really think anyone is reading your urgent response to Covid 19? You’re writing to appease yourself not to serve me. I’m deleting your email. Big deal. Who isn’t going digital these days? Who isn’t offering virtual services? Or online courses? Chatting with my high school friend John and he said I’m sorry you’re worried Antiques Diva will close. It’s a travel company I said. There’s no way we survive this year. But your business can go virtual he said. Offer virtual tours and digital training.. You’re Right. I said. I will. When the time is right. But no one is listening now. First I need to respect this place to which I have been called.
I have good instincts and they tell me the future is not in virtual or digital or other ways to distance ourselves but instead it’s in drawing together, closer than before. It’s in finding Connection. Communion with other people, Communion with ourselves and Communion with Creation.
The SECRET to manifesting is you have to FEEL the emotion you WANT to feel AFTER you’ve achieved your dream BEFORE you have achieved it. Manifesting is that simple. So if we want this shit to end we need to cast aside anxiety and fear and do whatever it is that makes us happy and content. Because THAT is what will get us out of this place.
And so I write. Today much longer than normal. My mind takes me on my Venetian version of a shamans journey through the wild roaming of my mind to a place where I just listen. #Justbe.
JOURNAL EXERCISE:
Are you familiar with manifestation? Essentially, what it means to manifest is to create something tangible into your life through attraction and belief. It's turning dreams into reality. Angelina Lombardo, the author of A Spiritual Entrepreneur says, “manifesting is making everything you want to feel and experience a reality... via your thoughts, actions, beliefs, and emotions." So what do you want? This time in Lockdown with the Coronavirus is the perfect time to really think about what you want. Make a list. Be clear. The more specific you can be the better. But always ask for "This or Better..." Don't limit yourself. Be flexible. Recognize that dreams manifest in unexpected ways. Be open to what God delivers - sometimes what God has planned for you is bigger and better than you ever could have imagined. Ask outloud for what you want. Spoken words have power. Make a vision board. Or write it in lipstick on the bathroom mirror so you see your manifestations everyday. Think about your future self - how would your future self think or feel - how would they BE - when they have achieved their goals? And what advice would they give you now? Write those things you have control over now which you can take actionable steps on in the direction of your dreams. If you don't know how, believe that you will - and ask the universe for a creative solution.
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