Missing Mom on Christmas
Christmas night. I’m melancholic. This evening is bitter sweet. Champagne & Chablis. Danielle & JP understand my mood. I’m quiet. They don’t expect much of me. All that’s expected is to Receive. It’s my word for next year. Receive. The whole day my throat feels tight. This is the first holiday without my mom. I’ve lived abroad more than 20 years & I haven’t always come home for the holidays. The last time I saw her was just before the pandemic. I was home in Jan 2020. And Mom had dirty hair. That detail stays with me. Mom in her chair. The TV on. Judge Judy. She didn’t get up when I came in the door. With my mom I always wondered how much was couldn’t verses wouldn’t. She greeted me as if she’d seen me days before instead of half a year. No. Even before she became disabled my Mom wasn’t the type to greet you at the door with the scent of cookies baking. But she was my mom. This Christmas there would be no phone call- I wouldn’t touch base from Paris. I wouldn’t tell her I learned to open oysters today.
Oysters! I’ve always wanted to learn! She shudders. How can you eat that!? She takes a sip of her can of cola cola. Did you see the Eiffel Tower? Yes mom. Is it still brown? Every since my ex husband and I had taken mom to Paris nearly 20 years ago she marveled over it. Daddy wouldn’t believe it. She says. The EiffelTower is brown. And then she tells me again how her Daddy’s dream was to fly in a plane. Imagine. Paris. He would be so proud of you. She says. I wish I would have known him. I say. He wouldn’t know what to say to you. She says. But he would be proud. Mom often didn’t know what to say to me. She couldn’t praise me but she would tell me how her daddy Tom, after whom I’m named, would feel. This Christmas there would be no marathon calls where I listen as she tells me stories I’ve heard 800 times before. I longed for 801. It was on this hour at the end of the day as I climbed in bed I often called. Are they slimy? She asked and it took me a moment to realize she was talking about the oysters. What if you ate a bad one? I would deal with it mom. Did you drink champagne? Yes. I said. I love champagne. We said in unison. Champagne makes every day Christmas
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