Shakshouka
Shakshouka. Simmering on the stove. Tomatoes, oil, peppers, onion, & garlic. Shakshouka. I crack an egg. I like saying the word. Shaking my hips like Shakira, I shake in Cajun spices. Shakshouka. I turn up the volume. Alanis Morrisette’s screams into my kitchen in a voice so angry it hurts. I try to sing along, but can’t hit the note. I stop dancing. Realizing that in fact I am dancing. When did I become a dancer I wonder? I use to never dance. Now I find myself shimmying in the shower. I stop singing & slowly stir the Shakshouka.
Thinking. Remembering.
The dancing started when I started coming more into my own body. Feeling. I never use to allow myself to feel so deeply. It wasn’t safe to feel. Now I let myself feel everything. The good emotions as fully as the bad. It’s a revelation. I realize my feet are moving again. Alanis Morrisette shows raw anger & listening to her I realize I don’t get angry even when I should. I get upset. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. I get sad. But I don’t get fire-y hot angry! That’s weird. How did I not know this about myself? I turn up the volume singing again to move the Energy reaching into my worst memory and it comes out like a polite apologetic younger sister to Alanis. I sit down at the table & try to remember when I stopped feeling anger? Have I ever felt it? I need to figure this out. Anger is meant to be felt. To be expressed. I’ve had shitty things happen to me. I felt despair. Fear. Sadness. Depression. But never rage. I am the peacekeeper. I don’t always stay calm but I can only recall one moment in my life where I have felt fury but even in that moment I held back. I think it never felt safe to get that angry. When I’ve been mad it’s been calculated. Controlled as to how far I would let myself go, let myself feel.
This realization is Revolutionary. I think this realization is telling me it’s safe to feel angry. This is an ah ha moment. Anger is a healthy emotion. Anger has to come out. If it doesn’t come out it goes in. It turns into depression. I want to feel all the emotions. I want to dance. I can’t be the only one. I wonder how many other people have this experience? Are there emotions you don’t let yourself feel?
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